A Stone In Your Life

 12/7/2022

I have no idea where to start but I'm praying for the Ruach HaQodesh to lead me. I have been so stressed lately that I cry almost on a daily basis and think about just going on a trip. I don't even care where. I just want to sit back and relax, doing absolutely nothing, having no responsibility and serving no one. Just for a little while. I am thankful for everyone in my lift but I am so stressed out and my health has declined so much so that it's hard to even have conversations with people. I already have so little energy and then to have to go into other people's presence and try to have conversations and not being able to relax just totally drains me of the rest of my energy. I always have a sense of unrest here. I thought with time it would go away. I have dealt with it better but it's still there. This is something that I know will never go away because I have never felt comfortable at someone else's place. I am thankful for being here and for the time here, for everything I have learned. I don't want to seem ungrateful, I just know what is causing me the discomfort. Although, I would like to be someone that is more comfortable around people and I desire to be a person that thrives in this type of environment, I have to face reality and this isn't me. It never has been and I don't see it ever being me. As I look back upon my life, I see that I have always been a person that enjoyed being alone, to an extent, I was content when I was alone. I would play in my room or outside for hours by myself. When I was a preteen, I started reading and I would spend hours in my room or outside reading books. Even as a preteen and teenager, I would skip school and stay home alone all day and not care. In the evening is when I want someone around. I am the type of person that doesn't just want anyone around though. I am picky about who I spend my time with so if I am spending time with you, you are very important to me and I value the time I spend with you. I know I am out of balance on some things, I could spend time with people more but I think it's more about the quality of time you spend together and not the quantity. I love all these people and I want to spend time with them but I just feel like I am on people overload. There's no time alone here and I realize now that I am a person that thrives on my alone time. In my alone time, I am not even doing anything differently than I would when people are here but it's therapeutic to me. I am done feeling bad or guilty about being this way. It doesn't diminish the love I have for everyone in my life, I just realize as I have looked back on my life that this is a part of me. I believe there are things in us that are just us and those things may change a little over time but they stay ingrained in us. It's our love language. Here I can never truly feel rested. I desire my own place and privacy again. I also feel guilty when I start thinking like that because I know that once I get there, I will have a whole new set of challenges but I need to get away. I know you are just as stressed as I am, and I am sure way more than I will ever know, that's why I don't tell you when I am struggling. Then I think well that's what marriage is for, praying for eachother. It just feels good to have someone to share things with and is a big way I relieve stress. I guess that's another part of my love language. I feel like if we would try to be sympathetic and understand what the other person is going through, to understand their love language better, then we would be better servants of Yahuah. Better spouses for eachother. I know when I share things that I am struggling with, it isn't because I think that person can fix my problems, but they can join me in prayer and just listen.