A Stone In Your Life

 12/9/2022

you being most of all an expert, knowing of all practices and questions which have to do with the Yehuḏim. So, please hear me patiently. Psalm 62:3

I wanted to come to you and make an appeal. I pray for unity in our marriage and family. I am not being heard on some ways that I want to parent. There are things that are very important to me that are not respected. I grew up in two very different households and I know that was Yahuah. I grew up in my dysfunctional household where all we had was strife. I also was allowed the privilege of growing up in a functional household full of love. I was always and still am very observant of the way others interact with eachother. I still have a picture in my head of coming from the bathroom into the living room and seeing the whole Torrence family sitting on the couch watching 7th Heaven. I remember Ryan was sitting on the floor, he was probably 17 and Donna was rubbing his head. They were all cuddled together. I longed for that as a child. Even though, they were just watching a TV show, you could feel the love and contentment. Meal time in the evening was also very important to them. It's a way of staying connected with those around you after being apart from them all day. It's a way of saying you care. I would go home to a tense environment full of arguing and most meal times were spent with everyone eating at the table except my dad because he ate in his recliner. He would always say that his back hurt. He would also watch TV while he ate.  I started making up an alternate reality because I wasn't being fulfilled at home. I didn't realize that's what I was doing because I was a little girl. I met Emily in second grade. I would pretend even at home that I was at Emily's house. I would pretend that I was Donna and play by myself in my room. I grew up very isolated and maybe that's why I still struggle being around people. My dream from the time I met the Torrence's, I wanted that family. I wanted to be a mom and wife. Now I have it and it's not what I thought it would be. Most of it is because I definitely don't live up to Donna's standards as a mom and wife. I have a lot of guilt over that. This is not the mom and wife that I set out to be in the beginning. I struggle with that alot. I was allowed to see dark and light. My mom tried to be a light as much as she could but we were the dark ones. I got to see the blessings and curses. When Yahuah is put first, naturally the family will come first next. The needs of those around us will be met before any worldly expectation. Our family will feel secure and will be able to go out into the world and thrive, feeling secure because they have the security they need. Family will be a refuge because the parents are first choosing to make Yahuah their refuge and eachother a priority.  I know this because this is the light that I experienced. I feel like I shown and equipped with the tools of what it takes to be successful in my marriage and family but I am not allowed to practice what I have learned. It is valuable information because I have been on both sides personally. We know all the curses that came with my family. I remember from the time I was a little girl all the way up until my teenage years, I would go to Rick and have talks with him. I would cry almost every time. I don't think this was something that I told you. I had an emotionally unavailable dad at home that didn't invest in me so Rick was put in my life for a reason. You can still see the blessing of the choices they made to this day in their children and their children's children. That is what we are promised when we first make Him our Head and submit to His authority and serve others in the order they are to be served. I want to break generational curses and see the peace that is promised to us, the peace that I have already physically lived in, that I know is true that we can have when we obey. The Torrence's didn't watch violent movies with cussing and all the things that I thought were important principles to follow if you are a follower of Messiah, and I would come home and there were no guidelines followed. Whatever went. It's important to me that my children not be exposed to these things because I am trying to get them to have a certain mindset towards these things. I just wanted to give you a different perspective of why I do the things I do and why I want the things I want. Because I have saw both sides and I know which one leads to life. I am not trying to "be the Torrence's" , I just know they followed the guidelines that they felt were scripture and true and blessings came from it. I lived their life and I want the peace and love they had. It was from the Father so ultimately I want His peace and love. 

I feel in a way the same way I did as a child in my marriage. I spend alot of time alone and my Head isn't hearing my heart cries and responding to my needs. I desire fellowship with you and the kids first and you have no idea how if I felt heard and respected and the kids did too, how much things would change for the good. I promise you we would feel secure. This all goes back to Scripture and how we are called to love and serve eachother, to respect eachother's needs because that is love. I desired fellowship with my dad too and when all he did was watch TV, tell us when we did wrong and ignored us, I started to isolate and lose respect for him. I realize when I am not getting my needs met with you that I tend to do the same thing. That's when I start making the negative comments and then we go around in the cycle we have always went in. 

I wanted you to know why I do the things that I do and why I want the things that I want. I know I probably have alot of pain to work on from my childhood. One thing you should know is that I feel things deeply and you can wound me easily. I want you to understand me more and pray for me to be healed in these areas. How to be healed from my childhood wounds. I am definitely not putting all the blame on you. I know I fall short and we all have to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. I don't want to discuss this letter. I would like you to make an appeal letter to me because that's the only way we are going to learn more about eachother's wants and needs. I just want to grow, for this to accomplish good. 

You are a good man and I wouldn't go back and choose anyone else. I am not trying to make you feel condemned. It's just for me, for my sanity, I have to write things out so they stop going in a circle inside me. Bottling things up and acting like they don't exist causes alot of stress. We could just learn to communicate in a different way by communicating our expectations for eachother. If we have a list of expectations that the other has given us, then we have to live up to that. 

My purpose was to come to you in love, that we may grow closer to Yahuah first and eachother. I hope you understand me more. I don't look at you as a failure so I hope you don't think you are. I am just saying, we need to change the way we do some things. I have no idea where to start but I know that the first thing to always do is pray. I believe that if we just take the initiative to start praying every morning, individually as a family, that is the first step to putting Him first. I don't want to be the only one that prays anymore. These are things that are very important to me because I know they work. I pray Yah gives you eyes to see and ears to hear. I love you and I pray for you always.