A Stone In Your Life

 4/14/2022

How clean is your house?

Recently I've had a burden on my heart for cleaning out my house. I continue to clean my house and when I get it just the way I want it, it only stays that way for a few hours before it's chaos again. Nothing is where I put it. Everything is out of order. 

Today I had a realization that I spend all this time trying to get my physical house in order because there is chaos in my spiritual house. I have been trying to clean my house and what I really need to do is work on cleaning me. I have been asking Yahuah to show me my faults, to clean out anything that He doesn't want in me. To refine me. 

Lately, I have been receiving songs and Scripture verses about "fire." I feel like I am in a fire but the only thing keeping me from getting burned is Yahuah. Candice had a dream about me. In this dream my hair was singed and Drew was cutting off the singed part, doing the best he could to restore my hair. To me that symbolized that, even though I am in the fire, I may feel the heat but I will not be consumed. There is another in the fire with me. 

I realize I try to clean out Drew's spiritual house as well and that's because he is a part of me. We became one flesh when we married. I can sense things about him that maybe even he can't and vice versa. Two becoming one has never made more sense to me than it does now. I feel everything that he feels and he feels everything that I feel. At the end of the day though, only he can clean out his house and only I can clean out mine.

I want to help him because we are one and helping us both will help our whole family. What I don't know is how to accomplish this. You can't help someone who doesn't think there is a problem or who just doesn't want to put the effort in. I don't know which one it is. So that leaves me trying to do all this alone. It's not working anymore because I have turned into this person that I don't want to be. I have turned into mean mom and lost the joy of being a mom. They have always been my reason for living and for doing everything that I do. I have prayed for Yahuah to show me a new path. I try to explain what I go through but I think until you walk a mile in someone's shoes, you can never truly understand. I may seem like I am a mean person or like I don't care. It's actually the opposite. I am just so weighed down and stressed out and depressed that my body can't even function right so how am I supposed to deal with the everyday things. My body is crying out for help and my mind is saying I can't take anymore. To the outsider, it may seem like no big deal what I'm going through but it's all the things piling up on eachother. It exhausts me to even think about being around people because I have to come up with conversation and mentally it's hard for me to do that right now.  Everyday that I wake up here, I feel like I did on the stairs of that waterslide. Fight or flight mode. I want to run away as fast as I can but my hand is in Drew's and that's the only thing keeping me here. I don't think he'll ever know how much it meant to me that day when he grabbed my hand on the stairs of the waterslide. I looked at his hand and I felt like I could do anything so I stayed.  

My love for him is like something I have never known. I love him so deeply that I don't think I'd ever recover if I lost him. I know I'd never be the same. He has the power to break me and almost has quite a few times. He is the only one on this earth that has that power. I know that I have hurt him tremendously as well.  He is my heart and I feel like no matter how tight I hold onto him, little by little he keeps slipping away, ever so quietly. I feel like I am always running trying to catch him and I almost get to him and then I fall.  Maybe I am putting him in a place that he's not supposed to be. I should be running after Yahshua. Then I get confused because I feel like trying to improve myself as a wife and loving my husband the way I should is one way to run after Yahshua. Maybe I am making it my only way, and for that, I am out of balance. 

This is my thought process everyday but so much more. Thoughts go around and around in my head and I am always working to try to solve things. This is all starting to take a toll on my body. My desire for food has decreased and I am not able to eat as I used to. As a result, I am losing weight. I have no desire to clean or do anything. It depresses me more because I want Drew to see it and not just see it but understand. He is supposed to be my rock in this life and I feel like I am standing alone. I'm always watching his back turn away from me and towards other people. Why can't we see eachother's needs before everyone else's? If our needs are met first, the way marriage is intended to be, then we would have the security we need to go out and help other people. It all seems so simple to me but getting two strong willed people on the same page isn't easy at all. I know though, that there isn't a lot he can do about our living situation now. There are things we can do to improve life here for everyone. I think all women want the knight in shining armor. That's what I am wanting Drew to be, my knight in shining armor. No one could ever take his place. No one could ever do for me what he does for me. That's why I want us to focus on the family and us more, so we can get the most out of life. At the end of the day, we are the ones that are going to be here for eachother. There are some nights when we are sitting there watching TV and I look at him and think we could be doing so much more. We could be cuddling or kissing. I think about straddling him while he's watching TV and kissing him and making love to him. I miss the passion and pray the testosterone helps bring it back. It doesn't always have to be intimacy in that way. I just love spending one on one time with him. I also love to see him interact with our children. Some things just never get old. I don't know, maybe I love him too much. Either way, I am just thankful for my husband and my family and I want Drew to be the one to ride in and save the day as corny as that sounds. To stand up for us and our time together. We can all see the positives and negatives in eachother and I think it's good to see both. We need to be thankful for the positives and pray for the negatives. 

I truly, deep down want to be a better person and Abba knows this. He's given me this gift to discern spirits around people. I have never felt comfortable around certain people and living with two of those people is becoming very taxing on me mentally and physcially. The spirits are wearing me thin. I understand the spiritual realm more because for whatever reason, that's what He has chosen for me to see. I am also more sensitive to them. I do not think this means I am weaker, we all have different gifts.

I remember reading the story in Scripture about the prophet Elijah running from Yezebel after he'd had a great victory. He ran far away into a cave. I never understood why he ran until I started experiencing the things that I have experienced over the years. I am not a prophet but I have had victories and after every victory, the enemy is always around the corner to trip me and make me fall. Even though I am not a prophet, Yahuah has shared and still does share amazing things with me that I can't explain and this all goes back to being able to discern spirits around people. It's not an easy thing to experience the things that I experience and know because of it. It weighs very heavily on your spirit  and this is the reason why a lot of people in Scripture were beaten down, weary of life. One hung himself. It's not for the light hearted and sometimes I think it's about to do me in. Deep down I always hear that voice, it's like a flicker of a candle in the darkness, telling me to get up because it's not over. It hurts so very bad and all I want to do is give up but I can't. I'm not a functioning adult like this though and I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

The children of Yashar'el were terrified after they left Mitsrayim and came to the waters. They looked up and saw the Mitsrites coming and asked Moshe if he had brought them there to die. That's what I have been asking, Did you bring me here, just  to die. I feel like I am slowly dying inside and becoming a monotonous robot that just does what I am told. I have read Scripture since I was child and now alot of these verses that I have read all these years, mean so much more to me now. I am just trying to hold on, but most days I fail. 

The point to all of this is, I can see the things that other people need to do to clean out their spiritual houses but it's not up to me to clean it. I can pray about it and hope that Yahuah waters the seeds that I have planted. 

Yesterday, we were gone all day long. After a couple of hours, I could feel a spiritual shift. After we got around family, Drew started to become himself again. We started to become what we were before. I can see these things spiritually. It's not Sterling that has the grip on Drew but the spirit around Sterling. We are all affected by spirits and maybe that's why some people are friends and some are just acquaintances. We don't get close to the people that we don't connect to. I think that's something that Abba put in us for our safety. I saw the warning lights before we moved here and I warned.  Being here is jeopardizing not only my sanity but it's tearing us all apart. We have all grown apart as a family since we have been here. It hurts that Drew can't see it. 

At the end of the day all I can do is pray and be patient. The praying part is easy and something I do all the time but being patient is hard. The children are getting older and they are at an age where they need us both. This is such a critical time in their life and our family needs to be prioritized above everything and everyone else except Yahuah. It seems we are on different pages as parents. We have different ideas of what family looks like I do believe. What I want to accomplish is a loving relationship that will be an example for our children to follow. If we aren't on the same page, nothing can be accomplished because a house divided cannot stand. We have always stayed and fought for eachother and the relationship though because we love eachother and we love the Father. What He put together shouldn't be torn apart. It is set apart and that's why work is required to keep it alive. It's just like planting a garden. It's hard but the end results are worth it. You reap what you sow. You can choose your spouse and family or you can choose to put them last. If we are reaping to the Spirit, then we know that protecting what He has put us over should always come first because He chose us to be their parents. We are responsible for what He put us over. It's just like the Scripture verse about the talents given to the men while the master was gone. You can take what you are given and multiply it or bury it in the sand and do nothing with it. In the end the Master will come and wonder what we did with what He has given us. That's why I work so hard. My salvation is in childbearing if they continue in the Walk. 1 Tim. 2:15. Candice had told me that men of the Indian tribe had fallen asleep at the fire and that's why the document was signed and their land was taken. They fell asleep spiritually and the enemy crept in. It happens easily, I should know because sin can so easily overtake me if I am not careful. We have to constantly be on watch and guard. I think we have both fallen asleep, so to speak and now I'm not sure where to start. It's like the hoarding houses and they all say, "I didn't know where to start." You start by cleaning out one room at a time. At the end, the whole house is clean and you have the tools to keep it that way. 

I will keep praying for our family to be Echad with Yahuah first and then with eachother, for our restoration. I also pray that He would help me to patiently wait and see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, I pray that our hearts will be prepared to do the work that needs to be done. The restoration won't magically happen, I do believe He's waiting on us to move and take the first steps. To walk by faith and not by sight. If we walked by sight, I'm sure we'd throw in the towel. I love Yahuah and my husband with every breath that's in me and I will keep fighting. One day we'll see the reward.