A Stone In Your Life

 

2/27/2022

Late night, can't sleep. I have been having so many feelings lately. Here I am, in my middle 30's and I'm not sure where I belong. Maybe some would call it a midlife crisis and maybe it is, I don't know. I just know that I am restless and bored, I am not finding any real fulfillment in life. I want to have meaningful conversations and someone to share my life with. I often ask the Father what a relationship is supposed to look like because maybe I am expecting too much. I have never had an example of what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. The only example is Rick and Donna; I was very young when I saw their relationship. It has had such an impression on me throughout the years. I remember Rick, discussing Emily's day with her and then praying at bedtime. It's something I always wanted with my dad as a little girl. Maybe that's something I have been doing with Drew; trying to recover what I wanted in my childhood through Drew. Maybe I am expecting him to fulfill my the role my dad should have fulfilled. Sometimes I feel just like a little girl inside who has never grown up. I so badly want a healthy relationship with my husband so that my kids will know what to expect. Unfortunately I don't think my children have saw a healthy relationship. Ours has been a volatile one but not in a physical way. When I think back of all the years wasted, it's hard. I so often wish that I could start over with Drew again, that I could meet him again. I would do things so differently. I hurt him in the past and did some awful things to him and maybe that's why most of the time I just think that I am getting what I deserve. Loving YHWH and walking out His Torah doesn't mean that I am without problems. It just means that I deal with them in a different way than the world does. I understand that Yahshua said that "In this world we would have trouble but to take heart because He has overcome the world," but sometimes it's hard. Life is a bully. More to some than others. Maybe that's the weakness in me, that it's more of a bully to me than to others. Maybe it's an opportunity to trust in the Father to be my strength in those areas. 

Getting back to the point of this post. I am feeling so lost and out of place right now. I have always heard of midlife crisis's but really never thought I'd experience one. This isn't something I can talk about with anyone but the Father so I pray about it and write about it. I am bored with everything in my life and I hear whispers in my ear that I know are from the enemy. Telling me to find someone to talk to and that I have to move on. I know all these are lies and so I push them out as soon as they start. I love my husband and he has my heart. We may be going through a difficult time right now but turning to someone else will never solve anything and I know that's a lie right out of the pit of hell. No one could ever satisfy me the way he does. He has such control over me and doesn't even know it. I love him completely, with all my heart. I feel like I live for his attention and maybe that's not healthy. Maybe that's making him an idol. Sometimes I feel like I worship him and that he has no idea how much I love him. That's why I worry so much about what he eats and drinks. 100 years wouldn't be enough and I feel like he chooses to shorten his life everyday. It hurts so much to see him make those choices because he literally has been so blessed and has everything at his fingertips, but I feel like he's choosing not to see that and drown himself in his worries and stresses of life. I can't blame him though, I feel the same way. It's hard to be soberminded because I just feel there is something wrong or missing and maybe he feels it too. 

I don't know why I am writing this, I just felt the need. Here I am, up past midnight. I just needed to get some things off my chest so they will stop swirling around in my mind like a tornado. It's so hard being where I am at now. Most days I feel like having a meltdown and crying in my bed. Asking myself, what have I done by selling my house. Now I am here, under someone else's rule. Why oh why did I sale my house? It's not just that I am under someone else's rule, it feels like I am constantly under pressure. I have to always ask what I need to be doing and constantly have the feeling like I am not doing enough. I never asked for this and I just keep wondering why the Father has me here. I never wanted to live this way and I knew exactly how it would be when we moved here. It's exactly how I imagined it to be. Most of the time I feel like my husband has a mistress but it's not one that I can even fight. I wonder where I fit into my husbands life anymore and I find myself thinking more and more about the future and I wonder if he's in it. I wonder if he cares to be in it anymore. Then I start to feel guilty. I know I should feel grateful. I have been given a free place to live besides utilities and access to everything on the property. So why do I have this emptiness inside? I regret selling my house and moving. Even though I was so miserable there, it's nothing like it is here. I do not like to be surrounded by people all the time and I know it's not going to change. I want my family back and I am so lost. I don't know what to do anymore but I know that walking away and finding someone else is HaSatan's plan and not  YHWH's. 

It's hard waiting. To be in the waiting period and not know what the Father is doing. I feel like that right now. I feel separated from everyone and isolated. I love Him and I am just trying to put my trust in Him and believe the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 which I see so often. I was behind a Jeep at a redlight that had a sticker of Jeremiah 29:11 on it.  I know that He knows the plans He has for me and I don't. I just pray that as Micah Tyler says in his songs that the Father would stop the storms in my life. And until He does, I'll keep praying and hoping, remembering that He has good planned for me. I'll keep waiting, knowing that He is good and faithful and that I can't go wrong if I just put my trust in Him. It doesn't matter how much chaos I  am feeling inside. 

I can't go wrong when I follow Yahshua and that's what I try to do everyday.