A Stone In Your Life

 1/18/22

Dear Abba,

Thank you for this day and for my husband and children. When I started this journey of being a mom and wife I did not know how hard it would be. I wouldn't trade it for anything though. I feel like I am in this bubble where time has stopped and I have just been left behind. I am lost, restless and just wondering what my purpose is now that everything has changed. 

As my children get older, they no longer need me. It feels like it's the same way with my husband. So where does that leave me? I have done my job, everything I needed to do and I feel like I am coming up empty. 

Lately, I have had the biblical way a marriage should be laid upon my heart. A husband is supposed to love and cherish his wife and the wife is supposed to submit to her husband. They are to become one. A wife has such a deep need to feel loved, cherished and important to her husband. When these needs are fulfilled, it's like a key to the door of her heart. She is then free to love and respect her husband without reservation. As a wife I know these things are so important. It all seems so easy to accomplish, yet as broken human beings sometimes we don't possess the keys to make this happen. To possess the key Father, I know that I need to obtain it from you. Please take all selfishness away from me. 

What do we do when one chapter of our life closes and we were still reading that chapter? That's exactly where I'm at. How do I cope? All these thoughts and emotions just stay bottled up inside me and just keep going around and around in a circle. I know that this can negatively impact my health, physically and mentally. This is one reason why I wanted to start this blog. Hopefully, this will help me get out my frustrations and I can just let them go and leave them here. 

In August of 2021 I closed on my house and started on the adventure I thought would be the adventure of a lifetime. When I sold my house, I had to live in our skoolie on my mom's property not knowing where to go next. Our land in Fairmount wasn't ready. When the opportunity came up to live on a friends property, I thought it would be exciting. As the time to move came closer, I started to have reservations. Reality started to set in. I knew that if I moved onto this other families property that my family dynamic would change and did it ever. I knew that there would be very little privacy and boundaries wouldn't be respected, I would rarely have my family time anymore, my husband wouldn't have much time for us anymore, etc. After a week of living here it was exactly like I thought it was going to be. All those things came true. I am such a private person. Privacy and family time are important to me. I haven't been allowed to do my job here as a mom. A mom is supposed to be the manager of the household. I see what needs to be done to have family unity as a mom and wife. I'm not allowed to do that though and my relationship with my husband is strained. I am holding onto a lot of anger, frustration and hurt. 

Most of the time I feel like I'm trying so hard to hold on, I hold on so tightly and everything just slips through my hands. Where do I go from here? Please help me to understand where I'm at and why I'm here.......