11/26/2022

I was just sitting here thinking about the past and looking at pictures of the kids and Drew when they were younger. The song "The only scars in heaven" was on YouTube so I turned it on while looking at the pictures. I realized when I pass from this life and go to my eternal rest, I want this song to be played at my celebration of life. It was played at Dotsie's celebration of life on September 30th of 2021. 

I was watching a YouTube video by Mark Murchison and it's called,  

Yahshua came to heal and bind up your broken heart..

In it he mentions that Yah is close to the broken hearted and close to the crushed in spirit. That is a verse I have been seeing and also repeating to myself. It's how I have felt lately and it's how I feel this morning. I was crying for my family, for my marriage. Wondering where it all went wrong and fell apart. There's no deep conversations or prayer, family time isn't important. They all do their own thing, even Reece is jumping ship now. Like me, she was tired of TV at the old house. I think I may have trauma in my brain from the TV. Everytime I have had a dream that I knew was significant, Drew was in it watching TV. In one dream, I told him Kane had been exposed to witchcraft and he just kept looking at his phone and watching TV. Another dream, Brandon and I were sitting on a bench and we saw tornadoes coming down from the mountain and we ran to warn everyone and get the families. When it was over, I walked through a screen door of a log cabin and Drew was sitting in a recliner watching TV so I just shut the screen door and walked back outside. There has to be a curse, a strong man, associated with this entertainment addiction. His dad, mom and sister all have the same addictions. I don't know what to do. I long to live. I am so tired of watching TV but I have just given up in the past 3 or 4 months. How do I bring them all back together. How does this family become Echad with Yahuah and one another? Lately it feels like I am getting worse. It seems like such a small thing, but I am so deprived of relationship. I just want to scream and my head feels like it wants to explode. It has become hard to find joy, to want to be around people or go anywhere. The constant rejection and neglect for YEARS, is starting to take a toll on me. I feel just like a flower that's withering away. What do I do? There's nothing I can do. All I can do is pray and wait on Yahuah. That's the best thing I can do. That is what I'm doing, even in the midst of my heart splitting open. 

My life looks so  much different than it did a year ago. I fee like I don't really know Drew anymore. He's so much different than I ever knew. I thought he was content with our family. Moving here has proved otherwise. We are all so split and torn and doing our own thing. There's no order and I know as long as we're here, there won't be. It's too easy for everyone to escape and do their own thing instead of focusing on what is really important in life. At the end of this life, is it going to matter how much money we made or how many projects you have accomplished or should we have spent our time truly valuing and loving our family. There's one thing you CAN'T get back and that's TIME. It's one thing I have become aware of since losing so many family members I love. I have tried to live an intentional life. Intentionally loving and serving those around me. Lately I have fallen short. I have grown weary. I told the Father this morning that I just want to go home. I am weary of this life. I have no motivation to do anything else. 

Yahuah is always here to encourage me and lift me up. This morning after crying about my family and just telling Yah that I wanted to go home, I looked at the verse of the day. 

I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert...

                                                                       Isaiah 43:19

Then the Mark Murchison video came on and the prayer at the end was for me. I felt Yah's presence. His Ruach. He was near to me. I don't know what the future holds or if Drew will ever be free from this addiction but I know I will be here waiting on Yahuah. My strong tower and my refuge. He has told me not to fear and to be strong and courageous. To believe that I am loved and valued and treasured by my Heavenly Father. I am pursued by Him. I have everything that I need in Him, through Yahshua HaMashiach. The peace that surpasses all understanding will be what guards my heart and mind in Yahshua. Stand firm, having girded your waist with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness.